Dear Nan,
After Pop died, I cherished every single moment that we had together. I was so afraid that I would lose you just like I had lost him. I couldn't bear to think about it, it hurt so badly. So, every moment we spent together, every time we laughed, every funny story, every fun moment I kept those close to my heart.
Now, you are gone. But what hurts me the most is that you chose to leave. You chose the man that had hurt me. You chose the man that ruined almost three years of my life. It's the fact that you chose to leave that hurts me the most. The sad thing about it, is that I was wishing just to hear Pop's voice again, his laugh, feel his touch. Well, you are talking, you are laughing, you are giving hugs and you are living. Me, I'm missing it all!
I look back on all those moments we had shared together. I ask myself, did you really care about me at all or was it all just pretend? Did you feel that same lovefor me, in your heart, as what I felt for you in mine for you? I always wished I could have said goodbye to Pop. I have the chance to say goodbye to you, but truthfully it's the hardest thing I could have ever imagined to do.
As the days go by, do you think about me at all? Or am I just like some kind of imaginary friend that you grew out of? Do you look at my picture and grieve for a soul that isn't even gone yet? Do you, think about how much pain and hurt your husband has caused me? What if I were to tell you, that everybody else almost lost me because I wanted you to realize, how much you have both, hurt me? How much pain I am in?
I think about you now, and I look at your pictures and I get an ice cold feeling, that I have lost a person that I once loved so much. Who hadn't left because God decided it was her time, but left because she left on her own will. I don't think you realize that the scars and cuts on my arms, legs, are because of my missing you so much
When I was little, if you were to ask me who I wanted to be like when I got older my answer would have been my Nan. But now, honestly, you are a person that I fear to be like in any way. I don't want to be a person that causes pain in my family. I don't want to be like you!
You always told me that you hated to see me cry and that you hated to see me hurt, so all of those times that you hurt me and made me cry, did you close your eyes? Are you completely ignoring the fact that you and your husband shattered my life, my heart, into millions of tiny pieces. How can you bear to look at your husband? How can you bear to look at him after all the pain and torture he caused me. Certainly, how can you bear to look at yourself...seeing all the hurt you caused not only me, but your family?
When I was little, I looked at you and somehow saw the reflection of my older self. The reflection of the grandma I would be. Or the mother I would be. But now, I look at you and I see a painted picture of hurt, loss, guilt, betrayal, pain, regret, and so many more horrible feelings.
I had never thought I would see the day where you would make me cry, never-loan tear my heart into tiny shreds. Now, thanks to you, when I try to picture myself as a, grandma, the picture I see is blank. I completely lost my hope for that in my future.
Nan, I hope you are satisfied. I hope you are happy with your husband. I hope you are happy that you and him tore my life apart. Thank you for bringing me so much pain, and hurt into my life!
From, your granddaughter,
Damara
After Pop died, I cherished every single moment that we had together. I was so afraid that I would lose you just like I had lost him. I couldn't bear to think about it, it hurt so badly. So, every moment we spent together, every time we laughed, every funny story, every fun moment I kept those close to my heart.
Now, you are gone. But what hurts me the most is that you chose to leave. You chose the man that had hurt me. You chose the man that ruined almost three years of my life. It's the fact that you chose to leave that hurts me the most. The sad thing about it, is that I was wishing just to hear Pop's voice again, his laugh, feel his touch. Well, you are talking, you are laughing, you are giving hugs and you are living. Me, I'm missing it all!
I look back on all those moments we had shared together. I ask myself, did you really care about me at all or was it all just pretend? Did you feel that same lovefor me, in your heart, as what I felt for you in mine for you? I always wished I could have said goodbye to Pop. I have the chance to say goodbye to you, but truthfully it's the hardest thing I could have ever imagined to do.
As the days go by, do you think about me at all? Or am I just like some kind of imaginary friend that you grew out of? Do you look at my picture and grieve for a soul that isn't even gone yet? Do you, think about how much pain and hurt your husband has caused me? What if I were to tell you, that everybody else almost lost me because I wanted you to realize, how much you have both, hurt me? How much pain I am in?
I think about you now, and I look at your pictures and I get an ice cold feeling, that I have lost a person that I once loved so much. Who hadn't left because God decided it was her time, but left because she left on her own will. I don't think you realize that the scars and cuts on my arms, legs, are because of my missing you so much
When I was little, if you were to ask me who I wanted to be like when I got older my answer would have been my Nan. But now, honestly, you are a person that I fear to be like in any way. I don't want to be a person that causes pain in my family. I don't want to be like you!
You always told me that you hated to see me cry and that you hated to see me hurt, so all of those times that you hurt me and made me cry, did you close your eyes? Are you completely ignoring the fact that you and your husband shattered my life, my heart, into millions of tiny pieces. How can you bear to look at your husband? How can you bear to look at him after all the pain and torture he caused me. Certainly, how can you bear to look at yourself...seeing all the hurt you caused not only me, but your family?
When I was little, I looked at you and somehow saw the reflection of my older self. The reflection of the grandma I would be. Or the mother I would be. But now, I look at you and I see a painted picture of hurt, loss, guilt, betrayal, pain, regret, and so many more horrible feelings.
I had never thought I would see the day where you would make me cry, never-loan tear my heart into tiny shreds. Now, thanks to you, when I try to picture myself as a, grandma, the picture I see is blank. I completely lost my hope for that in my future.
Nan, I hope you are satisfied. I hope you are happy with your husband. I hope you are happy that you and him tore my life apart. Thank you for bringing me so much pain, and hurt into my life!
From, your granddaughter,
Damara
