I'm nothing to no one.

I'm not wanted. I never was. People see me and they run. Just like I'm some sort of monster. My whole life, I've been beat down. By more than one person. I'm beginning to feel like I deserved it some how. Like it was all my fault .I just lost two really close friends of mine. I feel so alone. So empty. So scared. So worthless. So not needed, by anybody. My whole life... I've been nothing but a disappointment to others. All I've done is let others down. All I've done, is let myself down. I just wanna die. I hate my life. No one wants me, no one needs me. I'm not important. I feel so alone. I'm all alone. No one cares. No one would even notice if I were gone.

Me :)

"Why God wants us to go to the whole world!"

 God has asked us to go into the whole world and preach the gospel. When he said "the whole world" he meant it. We can't make disciples in other nations if we do not go. In Matthew, God had compassion on those who were like "lost sheep". So we have to have compassion on lost sheep, who are the people that are without God. The people who don't know the word. Having compassion on those who are without God does not mean that you are just going to stand around and do nothing. You have to move! When I say move, it means that you have to try your best to make those lost sheep find their way!


In our lives we are on a quest. A quest that puts our core values to the test. What are your core values? When you find out what your core values are, you are suppose to as a child of God, let God use you in that area. For example Jesus' core value was serving. He loved to spend time with the outcasts and the children. And annoy the Pharisees. You might be like Peter. Having loyalty at heart but a different feeling at mind. Peter told Jesus, he would die for him. When he got that chance he completely denied ever knowing Jesus. He completely froze. He never practised what he preached. It takes time and strength. 


The cross is suppose to speak mercy over you. As a child of God. You, are on a quest for God. To "go to the whole world." You are obligated to show God through your everyday life. Going into the world doesn't mean you have to preach a sermon. God just wants you to show his love. He wants you to not only tell the world he loves them, but to show them!


He wants the world to follow him. There is one task, that is to obey. One task for, an endless life, absolute forgiveness, salvation, that goes undeserved, unasked for. We never asked God for this. We don't have to pay, only with obedience. It's freely given. You show those sinners that they can trade a world of hurt for an everlasting paradise. Or they can continue on with their sinful heart, and have an everlasting life of torture. Of hell. 

God wants us to make disciples. So we can reach far into the world. We are able to reach the deepest valley, darkest pit, highest mountain. Offering peace and a feeling of security. If we are willing to move, then God is willing to do. Be like Moses, and have enough faith to part the red sea. Moses proved God existed, he proved a God of miraculous  wonders. 

Making disciples will not be easy. God never said that it would be easy. The devil is going to put up a fight, he has his plagues who will help him. But guess what?! We have the word. We have God. We have our church. Our community of God. We have enough armour to fight off the devil. All you have to do is say Jesus' name! God needs us to make a difference in the world. God wants and needs His people to make the lost sheep to understand they are not an accident. That they have been uniquely made. That they've been put on this earth for a reason. 
-Damara

I'm used by God.

God makes me who I am! He is the best journalist in the world, to be able to write a story that practically the whole world knows so well. He is  a perfect artist to be able to paint land, sea, sky, sun, moon, stars, animals, plants. And last but not least, he is the greatest potter, for He shaped our lives from dust. He shaped my life, very, very carefully. I am unique. I stand out of a crowd. He made me a person that you don't see very often. 


Who am I? You ask. I'm God's child. Who will I be? You wonder. I will be a person that God is going to use greatly. Through all my pain, through all the hurt, and through everything I will have to face. God will bring forth strengths. I knew you even before you were conceived (Jeremiah 1:4-5) I chose you when I planned creation (Ephesians 1:11-12)In this life, God will use you too. He may not use you to be a minister, he may have shaped you out to be a police officer, or a teacher, or a fire-fighter, or simply just a janitor, or a stay at home mother or father. What ever he chooses for you, just know that God had your best interests in mind.  


I have been called to be a person who goes to bible school then, Africa and Asia. I cannot wait for that day to come. I cannot wait to hold those precious little babies, and kids in my arms and tell them how much their father loves them. Tell them that with God they have a hopeful future.


If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me (Deuteronomy 4:29) Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4) For it is I who gave you those desires (Philippians 2:13) I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine (Ephesians 3:20)Don't look at others and wish to be like them. Look at God and wish to be like Him. Envy his perfectiveness. His love for others. If you want to be like God, you will be more and more like Him everyday. Now, you will never be perfect. Because you're human, but don't let that get you down. Just keep your mind on him. Keep your faith strong. For you were made in my image (Genesis 1:27). This is a very important part of scripture. You were made in the image of God. Therefore you can strive more and more to be like him.  

Most people are like sheep, they follow the pasture. And they're like birds and follow the flock. Don't let this be you, yes, stay with the crowd. But stay out along the edge. Wander off on your own a little ways. You need to test your own ability. With God you'll do great. “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  Some thing's that happen in your life are from God. But other thing's they are sent from the devil! Just to destroy you! He sends darkness your way and wants to watch your destruction. Therefore you have to resist his. Resist what he gives. And submit the thing's that God does. Make your life a ground that others can see the footprints of God in. Get Satan off your butt. Send him running with his tail between his legs. NEVER let him rest. After you're done with him he'll be giving you his resignation. 
- Damara

Drawing for poem.

Babies.

Little hands, and little feet
Such a joy to meet, 
Little coos and little smiles,
They will make your heart beat wild.


Behind their big eyes,
A heart so warm and kind,
As you see them start to crawl and walk,
It brings you so much delight.


A little baby that's so sweet,
Now on wobbling feet,
Trying their best to make it,
Little step by step


As you watch them sleep,
Their little bodies slipping into a world of dreams.
Of sail boats, gusting winds, and rolling tides.
A paradise that only babies would ever make come true.


You have a life of happiness, you just have to go and find it,
Whether it's a babies sweetness, 
comforting, and innocence
That makes you feel at home. 
-Damara

Not a fairytale.

I want you to know that he's not a fairytale
So listen to what I have to say,
Jesus came into this world and suffered on a cross
They laughed, and poked, and called him names,
Cause he was God's own son.


Yes Jesus' birth was special
It was not a regular one
The child was a Saviour
God's only precious son


One day he's coming back to claim us for his own
But for now he sits upon his thrown
He watches us from up above so do not be afraid
for we never walk alone


His spirit guides us from day to day
That's why we're never alone
Every Christmas season we celebrate his holy birth
and how he walked here on Earth.


I say to all you people that Jesus was born
for you and me to redeem this fallen race
by giving us second birth


He's coming back again some day
not in a manger but with a cry
for the saints of all the ages 
to meet him in the sky.
-Damara

You're slipping away.

You're slipping away,
and I can't get you back,
I'm screaming inside,
but I don't make a sound.


All I can see if you,
All I can hear is you,
I can't get you outta my mind.


My head goes around and around, 
at the thought of you
I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to say,
my mind if corrupted and it won't unwind.

All I can see if you,

All I can hear is you,

I can't get you outta my mind.

-Damara

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm here, it was out of my control
I'm sorry I'm me, someone I don't really know
I'm sorry I'm here, but I don't want to go.
 
I'm sorry, so sorry I can feel your pain.
I can see your hurt 
yet you act as if it's all a game
I'm sorry I'm here, I don't want to be
Life is so hard when no one is by your side
 
I'm sorry I don't know why this gotta be.
I don't know my reason to live here.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry please give me a chance
I'm sorry, so sorry help me find who I am.
 
Help me forget the past and start over new, 
help me find a reason to not be so blue,
I'm sorry I'm me someone I don't really know
I am covered by a mask
A mask that makes my emotions crash and burn
A mask you cannot see behind it's all full of lies,
I'm so sorry!
-Damara

Dear grandma.

Dear Nan,

After Pop died, I cherished every single moment that we had together. I was so afraid that I would lose you just like I had lost him. I couldn't bear to think about it, it hurt so badly. So, every moment we spent together, every time we laughed, every funny story, every fun moment I kept those close to my heart.

Now, you are gone. But what hurts me the most is that you chose to leave. You chose the man that had hurt me. You chose the man that ruined almost three years of my life. It's the fact that you chose to leave that hurts me the most. The sad thing about it, is that I was wishing just to hear Pop's voice again, his laugh, feel his touch. Well, you are talking, you are laughing, you are giving hugs and you are living. Me, I'm missing it all!

I look back on all those moments we had shared together. I ask myself, did you really care about me at all or was it all just pretend? Did you feel that same lovefor me, in your heart, as what I felt for you in mine for you? I always wished I could have said goodbye to Pop. I have the chance to say goodbye to you, but truthfully it's the hardest thing I could have ever imagined to do.

As the days go by, do you think about me at all? Or am I just like some kind of imaginary friend that you grew out of? Do you look at my picture and grieve for a soul that isn't even gone yet? Do you, think about how much pain and hurt your husband has caused me? What if I were to tell you, that everybody else almost lost me because I wanted you to realize, how much you have both, hurt me? How much pain I am in?

I think about you now, and I look at your pictures and I get an ice cold feeling, that I have lost a person that I once loved so much. Who hadn't left because God decided it was her time, but left because she left on her own will. I don't think you realize that the scars and cuts  on my arms, legs, are because of my missing you so much

When I was little, if you were to ask me who I wanted to be like when I got older my answer would have been my Nan. But now, honestly, you are a person that I fear to be like in any way. I don't want to be a person that causes pain in my family. I don't want to be like you!

You always told me that you hated to see me cry and that you hated to see me hurt, so all of those times that you hurt me and made me cry, did you close your eyes? Are you completely ignoring the fact that you and your husband shattered my life, my heart, into millions of tiny pieces. How can you bear to look at your husband? How can you bear to look at him after all the pain and torture he caused me. Certainly, how can you bear to look at yourself...seeing all the hurt you caused not only me, but your family?

When I was little, I looked at you and somehow saw the reflection of my older self. The reflection of the grandma I would be. Or the mother I would be. But now, I look at you and I see a painted picture of hurt, loss, guilt, betrayal, pain, regret, and so many more horrible feelings.

I had never thought I would see the day where you would make me cry, never-loan tear my heart into tiny shreds. Now, thanks to you, when I try to picture myself as a, grandma, the picture I see is blank. I completely lost my hope for that in my future.

Nan, I hope you are satisfied. I hope you are happy with your husband. I hope you are happy that you and him tore my life apart. Thank you for bringing me so much pain, and hurt into my life!

From, your granddaughter,
Damara

What if?

What if I told you, that talking to you would make me feel better? What if I told you talking to you could save my life? You decide to look the other way, and pretend I don't exist. 
 
The people I got close with always left. Besides my parents because they are kind of obligated. They always told me I was important. Am I important? Maybe.. But only until that 'other' person comes along. I am only important because they have no one else to fill that position. 
 
I was thinking that talking would do us both some good...but I guess not. </3 I guess I am stuck in this rut alone again. Maybe I'll turn to the only other option I don't know.. Maybe I will turn to the only way out..the only solution.. If that means, making this pain stop no matter what.... Maybe I will choose tonight. 

Teens life.

Agony

Betrayed

Crying all night long

Down in the dumps 

Endless hurt

Fed up 

Guilty about things that aren't your fault

Hurt over and over

Invisible to others

Jealous of others

Keeping hurt to yourself

Loved people are gone

Misunderstood by grown ups 

No one cares

Offended easily

Promises broken

Quiet sometimes to quiet

Regret of the ugly words that were said

Shame

Tormented by life

Unhappy

Violent thoughts

Wishing stupid things

Xeric

Yielded

Zigzags

-Damara

Nothing.

When your heart stopped beating,
I lost a part of mine.
When your face went blank,
my life turned upside down,
When you weren't here to help I was hurtin',
You weren't there to make it stop,
Her I no longer see,
she remains with he,

I thought he was going to kill me,

No more days or nights.
I thought I would be just like you.
you are no longer here,
but you're in my heart



some of my life remains empty,
a deep dark hole,
as for him and her they chose each other
I'm no longer in her thoughts
I'm no more in her eyes
I'm gone...
I'm the blame, for what he did

I know you told me to take good care of her,
I cant... 
she wont let me,
I'm nothin' to her,
any more anyway,
even though
my hurt, my pain, my yearning is showing vividly, 
my grief my life my thoughts my cry!
but I'm nothing to her,
NOT A THING! 
-Damara

Remaining scars.

Now remain the scars from that night a week ago,
I feel so dead inside,
My happiness, joy, and innocence where did it all go?
The wounds of my heart remain open,
The wounds of my body they close,
They say it takes time, and with time comes healing,
But, for me, instead of healing it brings more.
I’m not past the night of two years ago.
I’m not past the days of when I were alone and cold.
I’m not past the promises that were broken.
The days ahead bring more pain,
How will I ever survive?
Cutting…
I know its not worth it,
But, locking it up inside,
Hiding my hurt and pain.
Its all hard.
Life… is hard,
Some how it makes me feel better for while,
It drowns out my inner pain,
Than I start thinking,
My parents.
My friends.
School…
What will they think or say?
Once again everything comes crashing down around me,
Leaving me defenceless, helpless, and hurt.
You’d think after they knew or saw what I’ve done,
They’d give me advice, the help that I need.
They make me feel like I’m not worth it.
Like, I’m a waste of fresh air…
Than I come into the shelter of your arms,
And once again I feel safe,
How could I have betrayed you,
Break the promises I made?
You’re the one who’s there in the end.
Right beside me holding my hand.
Now with that blade to my wrist I won’t bring,
I’ll stop in my tracks and start remembering,
The stripes you endured with that whip long ago,
You’ve suffered for me.
So why put myself through this pain when you’ve already conquered it?
You’re there to make me whole!!
-Damara

Young.

i was young in years
he was old
i was wise 
he was dumb

i thought age should speak
higher years should be matured
but he is a man
a paedophile
a black hearted monster

he did wrong 
i did right
i told of that night
i tried my best
to lock him up
to put him behind bars
but he still runs free
-damara

I'm here.

Everything is unspoken and the World seem's wide open
Everything might seem as if it's movin' in slow motion and that you aren't gettin' nowhere 
I think If we open up we can break through
I think if we just believe we'll make it somehow
Yes we have our bad day's but we all have our good
I've learned time after time that nothin' is impossible
It may seem like no one cares, 
but you know that I'm here and I won't let you go
-Damara

Rock or Rose?

How strong do you think I am
How much can you think I can handle
Am I a rock or a rose or a fist?


If I don’t cry doesn’t mean I don’t feel
If I look away doesn’t mean I cant see
Just because I want someone when I’m alone doesn’t mean that I’m helpless,
And that I cant stand on my own

When will you see the point
When will you listen to my name
Am I alone or afraid or a brick?

When will you notice me
When will you seek me as a friend
Am I invisible or unstoppable or a dream?

I know you don’t know what to say
I know your gonna run away
Your despicable and stoppable your not a friend.
-Damara

Blade

As you dragged the blade across your wrist praying for courage to press down,You realized it's not worth it and you throw it down,
What's the point of ending your life when you don't know what's in store?
All the things you could do all the people you could help,
Yet you still get the urge to cut your wrists,
You see the blood start oozing and you get scared and throw it down again,
You don't know when you'll get the courage but you're hoping it'll be soon,
You can't take life it's too long of a walk you don't know what 
to do..
-Damara

I don't understand why!

Why are you acting this way?Why are you so blind?
Why can't you see that he's not the one?
That you've been blinded by his lies?

Why are you so different?
Will it ever be the same?
When will your eyes open?

You said that you never seen it;
But you see now...
you see my hurt,my pain.my cry
why won't you set me free, 
of this tragedy?!

I feel like I don't know you
Like we've never met
Although years ago you're all i talked about...

I'm here, I'm me
you can't erase what happenedpretend that it never did cause you'd be living a L-I-E!
-Damara

Opposite.

My life ebbs away,
Days of suffering grip and tear me,
Night pierces my bones and rips my skin,
My growing pain will never end.


I cry out but no one answers,
I stand up but my bones feel like they're breaking,
They turn their heads and don't listen,
And once again I'm tossed into the storm.


No one lays a hand on a broken person,
When we cry for help in distress.
I have wept for those in trouble,
For the poor I have grieved.


When I hope and asked for good, evil came.
When I yearned and looked for light, then came darkness.
I have become a nothing, a no one.
My harp now plays the sound of mourning,
My flute plays the sound of wailing,
My life is opposite. 
-Damara

Says her Soul.

"I'm falling,
I'm slipping away,
I'm blowing in the wind."
Says her soul. 


"I'm shattered,
I'm broken, 
I'm dead."
Says her soul.


"I cannot be fixed, 
not after all he done, 
all this pain."
Says her soul.


"I'm forgotten, 
I'm weak,
I'm scared."
Says her soul.
-Damara

Nature pictures.